"Stepping stones" Japanese Garden at Golden Gate Park, San Francisco
Wendy Bradtke (C) 2004
Last week I experienced something new, a meditation retreat. 5 days long, each
with 6 hours spent contemplating my navel. My busy teaching schedule has never
allowed this luxury. Meditation time is woven into my daily life, and I have a kind
of pride in that. Ends up I loved the retreat, intense and challenging, resulting in
insights that are maybe life changing.
After my retreat I feel more centered than I've ever felt before. I've dropped down
from the heady high, but the centered feeling remains. And "balance" needs to be
considered here too as balance and being centered are related.
Together both form a interesting riddle to pick through.
For example I'm thinking of the simple act of walking; it needs both balance
and centering in abundance. Walking is a miracle of balance we accomplish
all the time, and thats not even touching running, bending, reaching and other
movements. It's all regulated by a little set of hair cells in our inner ear, if they
go out of alignment so does our balance in devastating ways. We get Vertigo.
Such a finely tuned thing, the body.
So one kind of balance...
Our balance also revolves around a physical center of gravity in our bodies. Dancers,
yogis, gymnasts etc. learn to move around their centers, as a pivot for all movement.
So one kind of center...
It takes that kind of balance and that kind of center to endure hours of sitting in
meditation. But ultimately its the other kind of balance and centering that carry you
through. The kind of balance and centering that exist as ideas.
This is where it first gets really sticky and then easier in meditation. When you get
still/quiet inside, you naturally balance up and get centered.
Let me explain...
Easing the body into sitting still with cushions and chairs and any-old-anyway you
can make yourself comfortable whilst meditating is the beginning. Then hacking
your way through the sludge of thoughts with either breathing, mantram or good
old prayer, gets you to your inner agenda, the foundation beliefs you build your whole
reality upon. Big STUFF! Thats your center, the one made of ideas, truths and delusions.
I found my inner agenda is full of givens. They involve ideals of perfection, fulfillment
and satisfaction. I like to think that balance will create a buffer zone from all the
bumps, jolts and falls life brings. I want to immerse myself in the calming, quietening
rhythm that balance brings. I've delved into a zillion self help programs designed to
exercise control over outer events. I've learned how to fall and stand up over and over
again.
But this retreat showed me how I've been trying to squeeze blood out of a stone.
I learned through contemplating death - now there's a scary place to go - that life is
about evolution, impermanence and change. So its always going to be about walking,
falling, walking, falling - that's what balance is. It can't be one without the other. My
center has changed because of that.
I now understand its my center that matters most, the stillpoint round which everything
balances. Does the inner agenda at my center encompass things that have the capacity
to bring a lasting sense of fulfillment and satisfaction? Deep reflection going on inside.
Is it fine to occasionally anchor myself on shifting sands, provided I know that they are?
My whole center, deep inside, is being re-oriented to things more lasting. Reflecting on
this has became very meaningful. I gave myself a shovel on retreat and dug up some core
beliefs, some are like diamonds in the rough waiting to be polished into treasures, others
I need to ditch. They are not supporting my quest for fulfillment and satisfaction.
5 days of aching knees, restless legs, churning mind, it was all worth it.
I'm trying to find words to say how my beliefs are reforming, but its not quite
yet. All I can say is being that deeply centered is the calmest, most certain I've ever
felt. Its like everything fell into place. As soon as more words appear I'll be writing,
trying to describe more...
So anyone who'd like to share any insightful thoughts on core beliefs they find
helpful or challenging I'd love to see your comments!
Much love today, Wendy.
