"The Golden Gate" Photo: Wendy Bradtke 2004 (C)
As I wrote in my last blog about my retreat in a Buddhist Monastery, I'm finding new
insights keep appearing as I work through my day-to-day. I'm seeing even a short time
spent in silence in a meditative way, makes a real change. Imagine if I spent more?
Not sure if I can grasp that yet, but given time...who knows...
...anyway...
If I see the retreat, and the changes I went through, like a series of locks - I've
been talking to my friend Jeri who lives in the Cuyahoga Valley about the Erie Canal -
then I understand how mind is like that, it flows, opens up and moves
to a new level all the time - especially when we meditate - we become very
conscious of that. Its like watching our mind as a river, bubbling
and moving and being aware we are on a boat being carried along. And for me
meditation is how I learn to steer my boat, rather than bobbing all over.
Well, I came to my first lock, a huge stepping up place, on my first day of the retreat.
Until then I had been struggling with a deluge of information, most of it about Buddhism
itself. I have never considered myself a Buddhist and I've really struggled with aspects
of its beliefs for many years. In fact I'm very shy of becoming attached to any religion
so as I sat cross legged in silence, immersed in a flood of Sanskrit words and Tibetan
deities, I was wondering what the hell I was doing in this place!
But I was there because I had followed my nose, a thing I am very inclined to do. Maybe
my inner voice might throw a few clues my way if I asked nicely. Or was it more that I
yelled for help!
One of my certainties is that a "call for help" will always be answered. I began to notice
shifting currents in my mental continuum as a result of my "call". The answer was so
blindingly simple, and it showed me how dazzlingly dim I can be. I was focusing on
my differences, the loud ego part of me that cries ME! ME!and then THEM! THEM! was
trying to separate ME! from all that was around me. So why wasn't I focusing on what I
have in common with not only Buddhism but with those meditating with me?
- we were all looking for meaningful solutions.
- we were all trying to release our suffering.
- we all had our hearts and minds focused in the same direction.
Those things have weight to me, especially that I value them in others.
I saw that words were just words, terms just terms...and this is where I slipped
through my first lock...I slipped from mind to heart.
I had one of those wonderful moments, when life chucks you a life buoy, and you
climb in and let the rope guide you through the water. I let myself be guided, and the
water turned warm and friendly, and I experienced the joy of letting my mind go.
Over the next week I passed through many locks, and I'll write about them soon. But this
first one was vital. The heart is a GATE to the eternal self we desire, but to enter it we
may need to put aside things we build our life around; the identity we cherish
may need to be cast aside. After this realization my meditations flowed very differently
and that led me to my next lock...
...I had to confront my pit of suffering - more on that soon...
Much love today, Wendy x.
