Some things in life come in three's...
What is it about the third day of a meditation retreat? Each time I've been on
one its the same; the first day is the agony of getting still, then on the third
all the crap comes up, the day of becoming intimately acquainted with all
your toxins. The day you fight running and screaming "I want to leave now!"
The day of you in your car wanting to hurtle back into the real world.
Door slamming..gut wrenching! The horrible muck inside you that needs to be
looked at and released, feels as painful coming out as when it originally
went inside. Body and mind clench tightly against its release. Who wants
to look into a pit of suffering anyway?
Meditation? What's it all about? All I had in mind on this retreat was five days
peace and quiet, blissfully breathing, isn't that what they tell you it does? But
sure enough on the third morning I wake up feeling like I drank a whole bottle
of gin the night before, and more agitated than I can believe. The sting of the
third day is in full force. I want to run...I need desperately to stay.
After the two morning sessions I'm beginning to feel my being coming
apart and all the stuff I ever learned about being a spiritual warrior
comes into play. I will have to be very brave and let the poison seep out of
me and to that I will have to feel...it all. After lunch I head off into the trees,
the garden seems to be a private place to let it go. I jam my ear buds in and
turn the mp3's up loud to dull the horrible thoughts churning in my head.
There's a friendly seat under a friendly tree and I plant myself there, breathe
in and out, and let it all flow. What appears is so bad, I can't even cry.
It feels like lifetimes of abuse, wounding's, battering's , worst of all from
those I loved most and its like that for a couple of hours. I feel like an open,
seeping wound.
I have to make a choice. If I give in to my fear and run to my car I'll never get
past this. If I head to the temple I'll have to meditate with the fear. But I know
the temple means safety. I head up the hill, back to my cushion, cross my legs
and almost dare life to heal me!
The next things I experience are life changing....more soon...
Much love, Wendy.
