The floating goldfish was me.

Its not a cheery topic, but I need to talk about death.

Not my maiden aunt kicking the bucket, nor my goldfish floating upside
down in its bowl, not even the cutting my credit card into lots of pieces kind
of death. None of those. Those would be easy to talk about. My own death is
the one I'm talking about, at least in a meditative way.

I'm guessing we all talk to people we know about how we wish to die and when.
I do. I want to drop dead at a ripe old age. I have no desire to linger with illness.
I want some handy illness like a massive stroke and plop, I hit the floor and move
on. Its one of my cherished illusions that I have a say in my mode of exit, so I was
surprised at the sickly feeling I experienced, when I turned the next page of my
Buddhist meditation book at my retreat and read,

"Now meditate on your own death, that maybe you could die today, that you
cannot prevent the eventual decay and death of your body."

In short, the meditation topic made me feel ill. Its not that I am in denial about
my own demise, however I suddenly knew I was carrying some baggage about the
idea. Meditation is a thing imbued with a kind of magic for me; what you visualize
in meditation becomes, I know that in my bones. I didn't want my death becoming.
Plus, I can thank my mother for numerous superstitions for even uttering the word
"death", along with other fate-tempters like the wearing of green (instant bad luck),
opening umbrella's inside (it will rain inside) and leaving shoes on tables (see dead
man's shoes).

So for the first 3 days on my retreat I engaged in a strategy of avoidance. I flipped
past those pages and contemplated other things. That strategy brought me to
my pit of suffering, and my pit of suffering brought me back to the meditation I
didn't want to know about; death and Impermanence, there was no getting around
it. It was in full fearful flight (of meditatively creating my own death) that I opened
the door and let death in. I was not prepared for what happened next, except I
can tell you it blew my mind out of my ears.

Because the meditation taught me death and dying aren't what they seem.

Dying it seems is total bliss.

Now getting this straight, using the word death and bliss in the same sentence
is not my way of advocating anyone take a Thelma and Louise type plunge into
a joyful death experience. Its just my death meditation began with fear, and
moved quickly into a feeling of stripping away all of life's burdens. I was amazed
at the ease at which I peeled my life away because the feeling of lightness was
so delicious I couldn't stop. The reason why the Buddhists want us to let go of
our attachments began to dawn full force. I experienced a lightness of being
so blissful I can't find the right words.

If I was poet and could suspend disbelief, I might also say I floated out of my
body and saw "the other side" for some moments. That's before I slipped back
into this body I call home for this lifetime. Or I could blink and blank out this
paragraph imagining I had a very weird dream. Either way, it changed me,
and I am loathe to use the word, but forever springs to mind.

I came away from the retreat with a completely new sense of self; a self that is
not as attached to my present life. I am able to see myself as a "self" in eternity
not so limited by my present circumstances. I now understand the decisions I make,
the allegiances I form, the way I craft myself NOW, has far reaching implications
beyond my death. Its destroyed for me is any sense I had of death being an ending.
It simply isnt. All that I carry inside, all that I think, will be with me always.
Death in short isn't the convenient "tidyer upper" I thought it was. The stuff I have
to deal with has to be dealt with now , because its not going away.

I have been taught this in theory. Now I know it real-ly. I feel reborn.

Death/Rebirth. Death/Rebirth. Death/Rebirth. Not a beginning, or ending.
A transformation! Its like that old Zen poem.

"Before Enlightenment. Chopping wood, carrying water.
After Enlightenment. Chopping wood, carrying water."

Much love today, Wendy.

Comments

[kwn]

"I came away from the retreat with a completely new sense of self; a self that is
not as attached to my present life. I am able to see myself as a "self" in eternity
not so limited by my present circumstances. I now understand the decisions I make,
the allegiances I form, the way I craft myself NOW, has far reaching implications
beyond my death. Its destroyed for me is any sense I had of death being an ending.
It simply isnt. All that I carry inside, all that I think, will be with me always.
Death in short isn't the convenient "tidyer upper" I thought it was. The stuff I have
to deal with has to be dealt with now , because its not going away."

This paragraph spoke volumns to me. Enlightenment is one of God's greatest gifts to us.

[Wendy]

I do consider my experiences at the Retreat as a gift. And I do still feel those changes influencing my life. Its weird I thought it all would fade as some meditation experiences do, but this one seems to have really made a different. Nice to see you here KWN!

Wendy.