The Citadel

Finding your center

"Stepping stones" Japanese Garden at  Golden Gate Park, San Francisco
Wendy Bradtke (C) 2004

Last week I experienced something new, a meditation retreat. 5 days long, each
with 6 hours spent contemplating my navel. My busy teaching schedule has never
allowed this luxury. Meditation time is woven into my daily life, and I have a kind
of pride in that. Ends up I loved the retreat, intense and challenging, resulting in
insights that are maybe life changing.

After my retreat I feel more centered than I've ever felt before. I've dropped down
from the heady high, but the centered feeling remains. And "balance" needs to be
considered here too as balance and being centered are related.
Together both form a interesting riddle to pick through.

For example I'm thinking of the simple act of walking; it needs both balance
and centering in abundance. Walking is a miracle of balance we accomplish
all the time, and thats not even touching running, bending, reaching and other
movements. It's all regulated by a little set of hair cells in our inner ear, if they
go out of alignment so does our balance in devastating ways. We get Vertigo.
Such a finely tuned thing, the body.

So one kind of balance...

Our balance also revolves around a physical center of gravity in our bodies. Dancers,
yogis, gymnasts etc. learn to move around their centers, as a pivot for all movement.

So one kind of center...

It takes that kind of balance and that kind of center to endure hours of sitting in
meditation. But ultimately its the other kind of balance and centering that carry you
through. The kind of balance and centering that exist as ideas. 

This is where it first gets really sticky and then easier in meditation. When you get
still/quiet inside, you naturally balance up and get centered.

Let me explain...

Easing the body into sitting still with cushions and chairs and any-old-anyway you
can make yourself comfortable whilst meditating is the beginning. Then hacking
your way through the sludge of thoughts with either breathing, mantram or good
old prayer, gets you to your inner agenda, the foundation beliefs you build your whole
reality upon. Big STUFF! Thats your center, the one made of ideas, truths and delusions.

I found my inner agenda is full of givens. They involve ideals of perfection, fulfillment
and satisfaction. I like to think that balance will create a buffer zone from all the
bumps, jolts and falls life brings. I want to immerse myself in the calming, quietening
rhythm that balance brings. I've delved into a zillion self help programs designed to
exercise control over outer events. I've learned how to fall and stand up over and over
again.

But this retreat showed me how I've been trying to squeeze blood out of a stone.

I learned through contemplating death - now there's a scary place to go - that life is
about evolution, impermanence and change. So its always going to be about walking,
falling, walking, falling - that's what balance is. It can't be one without the other. My
center has changed because of that.

I now understand its my center that matters most, the stillpoint round which everything
balances. Does the inner agenda at my center encompass things that have the capacity
to bring a lasting sense of fulfillment and satisfaction? Deep reflection going on inside.
Is it fine to occasionally anchor myself on shifting sands, provided I know that they are?
My whole center, deep inside, is being re-oriented to things more lasting. Reflecting on
this has became very meaningful. I gave myself a shovel on retreat and dug up some core
beliefs, some are like diamonds in the rough waiting to be polished into treasures, others
I need to ditch. They are not supporting my quest for fulfillment and satisfaction.

5 days of aching knees, restless legs, churning mind, it was all worth it.   

I'm trying to find words to say how my beliefs are reforming, but its not quite
yet.  All I can say is being that deeply centered is the calmest, most certain I've ever
felt. Its like everything fell into place. As soon as more words appear I'll be writing,
trying to describe more...

So anyone who'd like to share any insightful thoughts on core beliefs they find
helpful or challenging I'd love to see your comments!

Much love today, Wendy.
         

Set Phasers to ANALYZE!

"The Thinker" - Auguste Rodin - photo Wendy Bradtke (C) 2004

If ever there was an aficionado of Big Brother from George Orwell's 1984,
it would be mish mash mind. Our Orwellian propensity to pry is one of
mish-mash's favorite occupations, it fulfills its need to list, categorize,
sort and draw conclusions. Mish-mash is momentarily satisfied by these
pursuits, until its natural curiosity over-writes its previous accomplishments
heading it off busily to figure out more stuff. 

Mish-mash in its own sweet way fuels our discontent and dissatisfaction.

Just as many of us find our selves drowning in the clutter of our homes and
work places, mish-mash too can be a cluttered place. Its full of "to-do's",
"what ifs", things once said and done, past compliments like shiny toys and
bitter words that can't be taken back. Our homes often reflect this and our
attempts to declutter tend to involve only resorting and re categorizing,
rather than the actual letting go we really need.

Deep within mish-mash's churning, is our search for security, for mish mash
is only giving expression to our need to know motive, purpose and meaning.
The contradiction is, as we attempt to figure it out in others, we're also
attempting to understand those things within ourselves.

The Internet is a prime example. Whilst it gives the most amazing opportunities
to share, know and discover, it can also feed our underlying craving for approval
and security in subtle ways. Never before has big brother ism been so pervasive.
Millions of users, webmasters, bloggers et AL, scrutinize web data, pages, links,
page reads and times spent on pages, in an effort to know. And, from what we
know, we begin reshaping to suit the data.

We can easily lose the satisfying texture of authenticity. Lists, categories
and conclusions satisfy mish mash mind, but can also create an imprint of
shallowness in the deeper mind. Like the princess and the pea, subtly we
register that, and it makes a ripple that flows to the edge of our being. 
By dealing too constantly in the flotsam and jetsam mish mash mind loves,
how deeply are we honoring solving the riddle of our own authenticity?

Pondering today...

Much love, Wendy x.

 
      

Sacred Cows

One day you wake up and find you can question the hitherto unquestionable. And once you do  that its like the domino effect, all the old cards fall on the table and you need to rearrange them. And for awhile there is some inevitable fumbling, sticky fingers etc, whilst you wipe the grubby marks off the only but recently clean glass.

Its a good but dangerous way to begin a day.

New energy sweeps away the old. Its time immemorial in ACTION!

As teaching yogi's and meditator's we tend to mouth a lot of stuff at listening ears about the immutable quality we call...change... embrace it, love it, accept it, and cage it in words like "let go", "release" etc. We know it changes lives, we've seen the sick, the depressed, the grieving leave crutches in our classes and walk out the door as new and freer people.

But what then do we do with our own personal sacred cows. The spiritual world is littered with them. Has anyone lately wondered just how relevant Patanjali is nowadays? Do we really need to step off this wheel of rebirth? How are all these ideas serving our purpose? And do in fact we need one?

Now this is not to say Patanjali was wrong, or Buddha's thoughts are anachronistic. Far from that. Its that do we query enough? We have faith, the intangible quality that serves the intuitive voice within. Its not even about that. We learn that yogicaly we need to honour our traditions. And there is a body of  knowledge ascribed to the  sages of time that we just need to believe.

But how much of this knowledge over the centuries has been tinged by the inevitable agony of conditions. A source milked and milked becomes stale. When do we need to rake through the bones? Not everything ascribed on crumbly parchment is necessarily holy and maybe its time to dig deep through the time honoured and put the relics in the basement where they belong.

We live in a world that is shaping itself constantly. Never before, never before, never before has this world been so shape-able. I woke up this morning and saw it all afresh. I didn't care where the cards were on my table. Until we look at our sacred cows are we missing the vast opportunities around us NOW.   This world is an amazing place!